F'ing Busy man

Oh my god, WORK, WORK and more WORK! I feel like a freakin' slave. I'm a production assistant. Which means i'm basicly an assistant to a producer. WHich includes...driving around, pinking up stuff, checking up on the talents, etc, calling, faxing, buying coffee, making it...etc. But!!! the other day I got to copy all the rushes onto the mac! that felt like I was finally doing something. Oh well, theres a rumor going around the PH (Production House) that i'm gay. Why? I refuse to hit on the producer who is like 25 or 26 and VERY hot, and I never hit on the talents...believe me I would hit on theese women...but I just dont think it's appropriate work behaviour. And besides I don't hit on the guys also.

I must say women in Malaysia are forward, they will ask you out if they have to, I think i've turned down quite a few...hence the gay rumor! Grrr. Oh well I shoudl come out soon...then im sure they will start introducing me to all their gay friends and I hate shit like that. I like CHANCE! Don't gimme that gaydar profile crap or 'you will love my friend' crap. Chance, chance, chance!

Interestinv convo I had with my boss:

Boss: You know the women are asking questions?

Me: I've noticed.

Boss: Maybe you should pay them some attention.

Me: I think all my attention goes to the work.

Boss: Don't be smart with me Josh, So are you gay or not?

Me: Haha yes i a'm, I say blink my eyes at her and walk off.

Boss: Ayo, your such a tease. Oh can you fax those things.

(I know she likes giving me shit work because it makes her feeel superior, screw you bitach, I'm going to learn something working here, like it or not, If not it will look good on my CV!)

I know she wantsme. She can't have me. For someone like her i'm sure she's used to having everything her way. But I hate the way she puts on a fake accent when she talk to me and on the phone to her clients, she's 35 maybe and she is very sexy. She just turns me off...now if only some cute men worked here...sigh. I'm begining to think the only reason they hired me is because I have a nice face. Im starting to hate the lines 'never seen you around', 'you new in town', and shit like that. The worst ever 'why don't you work with chanel V or MTV huh? I spend all those years studying so I can talk on TV, mmmhmm okay.

Note to self; Find new better job! Even If I have to kill. Ok just kidding! Ahh I miss blogging! Ignore the spelling mistakes! I've been overworked, and on top of it my workmates drag me to this lamo club whatever in KL called Velvet. It is the worst place ever, do not go there! Will btch about it in another post!

What does it take to get a membership with Rainbowland?

I don't think I would ever get one. I don't consider myself metrosexual. Why? I don't enjoy shopping, I've always had flamboyant friends who would follow me there and pick everything out, if it's not them it's Joey. I do however have a pink shirt, if that counts for anything. It was however something mom bought for me. Yes my mom bought me a pink shirt. To top it off none of my clothes are tiny size S, they fit appropriately and don't attach to my body like their painted on.

I've heard Joey and many girls mention toner...I’ve seen it in the supermarkets, yet i have no idea what it is. I know moisturizer keeps your skin moist and prevents it from cracking and that’s about it from my acquaintance of facial products.

The gym, I’ve always been naturally slim, so why visit the gym? Do I need abs of steel to be a fully fledged gay man? I have a four pack, it took months of sit ups. Now, being tall makes push ups hard for me, so physically my chest is not that huge, it's square but not huge, why do I want male breast anyway...

I'm not flamboyant. I don't go around calling people 'honey' or 'biatch', I most definitely don’t jump for joy when Malaysia goes on sale and the barber cuts my hair. Okay so sometimes i go with my mom and we cut it in KlCC but that’s because she claims it's 'catching up'. However if someone is flamboyant and gay I respect them for being able to be who they are. Someone once said to me 'why do I have to come out of the closet, just to be pushed back in by my own fellow gay men and fit into their stereotype'. Well said! I have zilch against queens, but I like men...not women so they do nothing for me.

I hate sitting in Dome or KLCC starbucks waiting to be seen or to see which gay boy I can pick up. If i see someone I like i smile at them and approach them. Recently I saw this really cute Indian guy I said hi, we had a chat and turns out we know some people, now i know he's not gay, but had he been talking to him would have paid off, but even when he wasn’t it still did, you meet someone new everyday-they don't have to always be gay!

If you ask me, I don't really deserve a membership to Rainbowland, I don’t even like the term.

Recently gay men have been facing more strain to embrace a sub culture where they are defined physically. Gone are the days where gay men were perceived as flamboyant 'girlfriends'. Gay men are now straightening up their act, being more feminine or flamboyant have become objectionable, although it embraces the sexuality of a man and his ‘embedded’ social position you can argue that myths and common belief supposed the homosexual male as an inferior feminine by-product of the hetero sexual male, still do exist.

The media has played a huge part in supporting this stereotype. Audiences have an insatiable appetite for effeminate homosexual characters, audiences identify with the 'fab five', 'will, from will and grace' and 'Pricilla'. Audiences however are not able to identify a gay male who goes to the gym, indulges in sports, drinks beer, and coaches little league.

The homosexual community however should embrace their power as one especially in a country like Malaysia where they are shunned to the cubicles of the steam rooms. The Malaysian homosexual community should stand proud and do these together, not create sub cultures in their own community, thus dividing an already unhinged community, one that has been frowned upon and outcaste in our society.

Like the wise words of my friend, 'do not come out of the closet just go get back in, especially when the closet is your own world'. So let’s hope that instead of us widening our societal subculture gap even further, we bring it together. We can all make a difference; let’s not shun the old, the fairies, the feather boa queens, the steroid uncles, and the trannies. Together they do make up our rainbowland.

How do I know all this! MIRC, I’ve been having conversations recently with people on #Gaymalaysia. Yes how uncool and totally 2000, but after speaking with some people they have admitted and told me what ‘rainbowland’ in Malaysia has become. It’s not just here even in Australia, it’s actually worst there, Perth is a small place, and the guys there keep it straight, gay couples rarely come out, but tell people their good friends…explains why so many doubles play footie…I’m glad I’m just a normal guy, but I don’t pity my fellow sisters for who they are just because they are shunned, their embracing their pride to their fullest!

No...Not me la!

The sort of thing you never think happens to you sometimes actually does: Here's list of when it happened to me.

-Pick pocketed - Fuckers in the LRT

-Car batteries died (In the middle of the road, thanks everyone for starring and not helping, and i'm sure the screams and insults would jolt my car to start up!)

- Pulled over (5 Seconds into the conversation is warrant enough for a cop to saman you, it's funny when the big tummy police men try their British English on me.)

- Caught red handed (So I knicked a comic book, I got off after I paid for it)

- Cheated on - By X

- Tire slashed - At uni, I suspect someone saw me and Mark.

- Pulled Over again for the same offence, damn those phones. (It’s even funnier when they try their British English and you talk back in perfect Bahasa Malaysia. 'Ya encik....Boleh cakap BM....)

- Shouted at the Pirated goods sellar in Petaling Street. (Somehow they don;t hearing a white boy go 'Mahal la! Takpa la!')

- Having a close friend pass -

- Failing - Australian Legal Tax System

See, you never know when it can happen to you!

Will

Will might, he did it once to us. He will do it again.

The ending words of my previous post.

Will short for William Poole. Will is awesome; he’s a real nice guy a charmer. Will works out 5 days a week has a Jet Ski and drives a Lancer. A corporate dude he goes surfing every Saturday morning. Why morning? Because the surf is better then.

I have to admit Mark was a catch, he wasn’t the best looking guy out there, but he was one of them, he didn’t have the best body but he had a good one, where everyone lacked a special something Mark had it. He was rich in wit, humor and intelligence. The very reason I was attracted to him. Not because he drove a shiny black jeep or had a Colgate smile with the whitest set of teeth. He was smart he’s ideas were out of the box. Mark never went out with the hard bodied podium dancers or the gym bunnies. Mark liked something special, before me he was single for a very long time. Incongruously Will introduced me to Mark one night; we hit it off from there.

Will has slept with almost every eligible gay man in Perth. Every Feb and June he gets his pick of the best new international students in town. There are a host of universities in Perth and 2 gay clubs so go figure. I never liked Will he was what you call an acquaintance. He was also a slut, our hi and bye friendship lasted for years, from time to time Will would try to sleep with me, I would take a rain check.

I enjoyed every moment with Mark. A few months before I graduated I told Mark I hadn’t decided my future plans and that I might decide to stay or decide to go back. He sad it didn’t matter we would find a way to be together. Hah, as a man I know that I lie and I also know that all men are liars.

That very night was Will’s party. Did I mention they are good friends? Mark never came home that night; somehow I knew it was bound to happen sooner or later. I skipped the party because it was nearing my final weeks of Uni. If there’s a problem Mark had…it was with drinking, he got drunk too fast and without me to control his drinking that night it went out of control.

The next morning Mark walks in I watching TV. I look at him.

Me: I know.

Mark: What?

Me: You tell me?

Mark: Tell you what?

Me: It’s written all over you face.

Mark: Cut the crap, I got drunk and slept at Will’s place. You know I’d never do that.

Me: Somehow I don’t believe you.

Mark: STOP THE FUCKING MIND GAMES OK? You think you’re so smart…

Me: I don’t think it. I know.

Mark: Your right then. I did it. But that doesn’t change anything. You know how I get. It was a mistake.

Me: It’s ok I forgave you before you did it. (lie, lie, lie – as usual)

Mark then tries to hug me. Everything felt different from that moment, If you really loved someone and they cheated on you, you would know how it feels like. It hurts, the truth hurts, 2years later it will still hurt. The love too will always be felt, I cant say which is emotion is stronger.

A month later I moved out. When you trust someone and they hurt you, you can never take them back, sure I still loved him after, but it was different. I loved him for everything he had done for me before he did it. Everything I felt I had come to realize was love for a memory that would forever be with me. Everything after that turned into an association. I know William enjoyed watching me suffer, maybe he did it because I rejected him, maybe somewhere down there he loved Mark. I know Mark never meant to hurt me. He couldn’t, but he did. If Karma has it’s way Mark and William will pay. I on the other hand should be swimming on a bed of roses. But I aint, maybe not yet. But a warm feeling inside keeps telling me I will.

William, thank you for in one night ruining something so special, in one night he ruined 1 year of trial and tribulation. The next time you think of sleeping with someone’s girlfriend or boyfriend think again, think of the hearts your breaking, the happiness you’re ending. Why? All for a night of sin.

The X file

Along with missing Perth I miss my X.

I miss the way he smiles at me when i wake up, I miss the way he looks so goddamcute. I miss the way he talks to me, I miss the way he wears his hair, I miss his touch, I miss his attitude, I miss his warmth, I miss his sweet smell, I miss the smell of his coffee breath when he kisses me, I miss the way he answers the phone, I miss the way he walks, I miss he's jokes, I miss he's optimism, I miss he's intellectuality, I miss the way he looked at me, and most of all I miss the way he loved me.

So I called him. The phone rang, and rang and rang. No answer.

'Hello, this is Mark, just leave your details and ill give you a ring soon'

'Hi, It's Josh. Was just calling to say hey. Hope your doing well. Take care, Lov...(Pause) Bye'

A few hours later I get a call, 'private number' showed on the screen.

Mark: Hey

Me: Hello, I knew it was you, doing well?

Mark: Not bad, you?

Me: Ok

Mark: You never say ok, with you it's always 'great' of 'awesome', whats wrong?

Me: (Take a deep breath) I'm fine, just really wanted to say hi.

Mark: Well hi! Now tell me what’s up?

Me: Well nothing much, I’m just bumming.

Mark: Your worst nightmare eh?

Me: You have no idea. How bout you? Seeing anyone?

Mark: Hmm, Yea actually I am.

Me: That’s awesome, anyone I know?

Mark: No one you know.

Suddenly I get it, something has changed. The way he talks to me, it lacks love; the way you talk to someone you used to love but only care about. But Mark can read me like an open book, he can read anyone.

Me: Well that’s great, I’ve been single.

Mark: Cool, listen I know your not okay, I can read you.

Me: I really am fine (lie, lie, lie)

Mark: You lie; you never were that good at it you know...

Me: Nothing is going as planned.

Mark: Did you think it would all fall into place so soon?

Me: Not soon, but neither did I think it would take this long.

Mark: What are you options?

Me: I could stay here and wait it out or come back and try my luck there.

Mark: I can't advise you on this, but you know there will always be a place for you if you ever do come back. (Or something like that)

Me: I know, thank you for letting me know all the time.

Somewhere along the conversation, He talked to me like he used to. Now I remember, what it feels like to be loved, to be talked to with love, respect, understanding. He doesn’t say much but it's what he says that confirms it.

Mark: No problem.

Me: This call is gonna cost you, I can call you back you know.

Mark: That’s alright I have to pick Will soon anyway.

Me: I know Will, are you guys…?

Mark: Yes. (longaassssssilence)

Me: Anyway, you should go now. Thanks for calling, Mark… I appreciate it.

Mark: No worries, Catch you later.

In a second one name, one memory can change everything. I'll blog about Will another time.

But after the conversation it was clear, relationships are never easy, those that last are filled with trials and tribulation, and those that fail are filled with trial and error.

Mark and I were trial and error, so much so when it ended I had stopped missing everything. But like most warm blooded humans, feelings are something you never forget.

I loved all and every moment of it, I hated some, do I miss it? Of course. Will I do it again? Never. Will might, he did it once to us. He will do it again.

For a second

For a second back there I realised how much I miss Uni life and Perth. It's true what they say, 'those are the best days of our life'.

Why don't you tell me my future?

I visited my parents today and decided that I’d spend the whole day with them, after lunch they both left, leaving me to the whole house, does anyone have any idea how boring that is? They just got back a while ago; thank god for the internet and the fact that I brought my laptop along with me, somehow I knew they would leave. Dad had to go back to work and mom had a gyne appointment.

I feel bad, someone I’ve been wanting to talk to for a while now said ‘your first impression is really down the scale’ ouch. All I have to say is I’m sorry, Kitjar. I’ve been having the worst week and you caught me on the day my parents decide to be at their most annoying.

I’m having a bad day! Does no one see that I’m entitled to being in a constant bad mood? Waking up with a hangover to a messy apartment, realizing that your jobless after months of graduating is not something that everyone goes through. But when it happens to me it just sets the day towards a downfall.

My parents seem to have concluded that I am not that independent after all leaving me to ponder after a weird conversation during lunch:

Dad: So son, still looking?

Me: yep, no luck yet.

Mom: Can’t you just be an assistant with Dad’s office until something comes along.

Me: No, I really wanna work in production…I did spend all that time studying it.

Dad: You also did commerce.

Me: Ya well, that doesn’t mean I have to actually work in it,

Dad: If you put it that way it doesn’t mean you have to only work in production, maybe no one is hiring now…anyway we’ve been expecting you and Joey to move back soon.

Me: what?

Mom: Maybe you and Joey should move back for a while…until you get on your feet and Joey graduates…it’s hard to keep track of him and we can rent out the apartment again…

I cannot believe my parents have been contemplating this. But it does make sense, I really wanted to support myself by now, I’m still living of them which brings me to the conclusion that:

‘Maybe I’m not that self-sufficient after all’

Why is it that no one is hiring me, I’ve been to various job interviews, I graduated with good results I have work experience! But it doesn’t matter, months after graduating and I’m still jobless. Sigh. Who am I kidding maybe I am just one of those spoilt kids. Maybe I should move back home, at least Joey would go for more classes. But then again no one said this would be easy and I’m not giving up till I get somewhere.

Minum Milo and Jadi Sihat dan Kuat.

Spoilt boy my bro is, he has never turned on a stove. How shamefully.

Joey: Josh, help me turn on the stove...

Me: Your kidding right?

Joey: Seriously...I want to boil water...

Me: Why? We have a water boiler...

Joey: Oh yah, never mind then.

Me: Why do you want hot water?

Joey: Make Milo, I'm hungry.

Me: Do you know how to make milo?

Joey: ya ofcourse, don't think I'm stupid.

Me: Of course not Jo.

A few minutes later, I hear Joey screaming from the kitchen

Joey: Joooooooooooooooooooooo, where's the water heater thing????

Me: On the counter, beside the Microwave, it looks like a plastic kettle.

Sensing trouble I quickly walk to the kitchen, There is Milo powder on the floor and the kitchen counters, grrr. Wait, there is two mugs...

Me: Making me a cup to?

Joey: No way, it's for my girlfriend.

Me: Girlfriend? Since when? How come she got in unnoticed by me?

Joey: Cause you've been so busy with what's his name.

Me: His name is Nick, and it's over, hey the milo goes in before the water...And then the milk.

Joey: I knew that...Maybe next time we should buy packet milo ok? It's over, you guys were like annoyingly inseparable...

Me: Yup over, and then maybe we can start buying packet coffee and fresh milk too? I say sarcastically.

Joey: It's ok, I've figured how to use that giant coffee machine contraption Natasha knew how to use it.

Me: It's an espresso machine. Are you using protection?

Joey: Yes, and don't start...Whatever, now excuse me Natasha's milo awaits her.

I start singing in the...'Minum Milo and Jadi Sihat dan Kuat..." I can hear Joey scream as I clean up his mess 'Yea, you need to be drinking more milo then", if Joey and I fought I know I would win, afterall I actually went for the Karate classes while Joey skipped the expensive teacher to hit Bangsar Shopping Center or Hartamas with friends after school back in the day.

Say what?

Remember the guy I met at Ikea? Well I met this guy in the Ikea smoking area at the cafe...he was cute and all, he smoked Dunhill Lights. Chinese, 6 footer, brownish hair, deep pink lips.

His name is Fong his English name is Danny...he called me right after I had broken up with Nick. What perfect timing, I've become so bored being jobless I think I might actually consider delivering newspapers just to pass the time. Anyway Danny and I meet in Starbucks...KLCC where else la?

Danny, arrives late and he brings a friend. Now don't get me wrong but what is up with people and their digital cameras and camera phones? Thank got they didn't take my picture. I mean we just met...I asked Danny is Chan (the friend) was his boyfriend. He blushed and said no, apparently they are friends. Their gay btw. I self awkward because Danny and Chan had each other and I was the outcast.

Somewhere along the lines of conversation, a weird topic came up. After the conversation on the topic ended I concluded Danny and Chan are Bias or racist. Danny is more polite but Chan is somewhat bolder in asking questions. The usual question popped up...

Chan: So are you mixed?

Me: Yea, Indian

Danny: Really? I thought you were Eurasian

Me: Yea...I am

Danny: Oh yah...

Chan: I don't think I've ever gone out with an Indian.

Me: Why is that?

Chan: Just preference.

Me: What do you mean?

Chan: I prefer Chinese? I dunno.

Danny: ya he likes ang mo's also...oh you do know what that is right?

Me: yup.

Chan: Where got...I go out with any race...except Indians, I find them offensive.

Me: Really? My dad is Indian.

Chan: Shit, sorry I didn't mean it that way...

Me: I know what you meant.

Chan: No no what I mean is, you know Bangsar...it used to be a nice place...now all these people have dominated the place...and they start fights and stuff.

Me: that's like saying the Chinese dominate the illegal piracy market in petaling street, only it's true.

Chan: Ya, but who doesn't buy pirated stuff....and they don't cause fights.

Me: So your saying Indian people start fights? What rubbish.

Chan: No that's not what I meant, your misunderstanding.

Me: that's exactly what you meant, and it would be good if you stopped talking.

Danny: Erm, does anyone want another coffee?

Me: Actually boys, I think Ill be heading home now...I want skip the jams.

Chan tries to apologize. Too late, from the moment you walked up to me and sat down it was apparent you were a racist bias fool, you don't deserve my time, I cannot believe I wasted it on you. Danny, the company you keep reflects whom you are, and since you guys are best friends... Good bye, hope to never see you two again, C'est La Vie!

I'm getting sick of people asking me what race I am, does it matter? I certainly don't care. Sometimes I wish god had made me a lil more darker atleast I wont have to answer so many stupid questions, face dumb remarks and turn Paris Hilton orange in the sun! But them again I'm happy with who I am. Damn I hate racist people. When I was a student I noticed that some Australians were a little racist especially to Asians, I was lucky that I was spared but some of my friends got it bad. I never thought I would face it in Malaysia. I guess our country is growing more dicks heads.

Peace.

P is for Party, D is for Drive and B is for Break.

Nick surprised me today, he drives an automatic car and so do I. He was driving my Waja today and we stopped at the traffic light, without warning the car engine stopped. Nick tried to start it over and over again it failed. I looked down, it was in drive. Now I know little about cars but I do know that automatic cars do not start at D, R, and 2, they only start on P and N. So I pushed it to P and the car starts up.

Me: Nick, you do know that it doesn't start on D, R or 2 right?

Nick: Erm, no.

Me: that's alright.

Nick: I do know that D is for drive and P is for Party.

Me: Huh.

Nick: Yala when you park you go PARTY.

Me: Ok, I think we need to talk.

Nick: About?

Me: I think were moving too fast, maybe we should slow thing down...

Nick: Oh...But. Is it because of what I just said? There you go again with your 'I'm so much better that everyone'

Me: Nick stop it, I just feel that im not right for you, your too fun for me.

Nick: As in I'm frivolous?

Me: What, no I don't mean it that way, please ok.

Nick: You know, don;t think your so great ok, cause you are not.

Me: What the fuck are you talking about, hey where are you getting all these ideas from?

Nick: Sorry, that was a bit to much.

Me: YA I think so, why don't yo really say what's on your mind ey?

Nick: Im sorry, can we not fight.

Me: I never fight with you Nick, but you seem to have pre judged me. I cant take it, its better that we just stop seeing each other for a while.

Nick: Are you sure, im really sorry okay, cant we talk about it.

Me: everything I try to talk to you, im fighting, that's why I don't say much.

The drive home lasted forever. Nick collected him 3 belongings from my place and left. A tooth brush, a spare shirt and a CD.

I hope I hear from Nick again, I have a feeling I wont. Oh well, life goes on.

I had no idea

I had no idea:

Blogger removes your links if you change your template.

Blogger Removes your sitemeter when you change your template.

I still have no idea how to use and do most thing on my blog. Fuck.