Step by step...

F'ing Busy man

2006-03-24T10:54:00.000-08:00

Oh my god, WORK, WORK and more WORK! I feel like a freakin' slave. I'm a production assistant. Which means i'm basicly an assistant to a producer. WHich includes...driving around, pinking up stuff, checking up on the talents, etc, calling, faxing, buying coffee, making it...etc. But!!! the other day I got to copy all the rushes onto the mac! that felt like I was finally doing something. Oh well, theres a rumor going around the PH (Production House) that i'm gay. Why? I refuse to hit on the producer who is like 25 or 26 and VERY hot, and I never hit on the talents...believe me I would hit on theese women...but I just dont think it's appropriate work behaviour. And besides I don't hit on the guys also.

I must say women in Malaysia are forward, they will ask you out if they have to, I think i've turned down quite a few...hence the gay rumor! Grrr. Oh well I shoudl come out soon...then im sure they will start introducing me to all their gay friends and I hate shit like that. I like CHANCE! Don't gimme that gaydar profile crap or 'you will love my friend' crap. Chance, chance, chance!

Interestinv convo I had with my boss:

Boss: You know the women are asking questions?

Me: I've noticed.

Boss: Maybe you should pay them some attention.

Me: I think all my attention goes to the work.

Boss: Don't be smart with me Josh, So are you gay or not?

Me: Haha yes i a'm, I say blink my eyes at her and walk off.

Boss: Ayo, your such a tease. Oh can you fax those things.

(I know she likes giving me shit work because it makes her feeel superior, screw you bitach, I'm going to learn something working here, like it or not, If not it will look good on my CV!)

I know she wantsme. She can't have me. For someone like her i'm sure she's used to having everything her way. But I hate the way she puts on a fake accent when she talk to me and on the phone to her clients, she's 35 maybe and she is very sexy. She just turns me off...now if only some cute men worked here...sigh. I'm begining to think the only reason they hired me is because I have a nice face. Im starting to hate the lines 'never seen you around', 'you new in town', and shit like that. The worst ever 'why don't you work with chanel V or MTV huh? I spend all those years studying so I can talk on TV, mmmhmm okay.

Note to self; Find new better job! Even If I have to kill. Ok just kidding! Ahh I miss blogging! Ignore the spelling mistakes! I've been overworked, and on top of it my workmates drag me to this lamo club whatever in KL called Velvet. It is the worst place ever, do not go there! Will btch about it in another post!

What does it take to get a membership with Rainbowland?

2006-02-26T12:15:00.000-08:00

I don't think I would ever get one. I don't consider myself metrosexual. Why? I don't enjoy shopping, I've always had flamboyant friends who would follow me there and pick everything out, if it's not them it's Joey. I do however have a pink shirt, if that counts for anything. It was however something mom bought for me. Yes my mom bought me a pink shirt. To top it off none of my clothes are tiny size S, they fit appropriately and don't attach to my body like their painted on.

I've heard Joey and many girls mention toner...I’ve seen it in the supermarkets, yet i have no idea what it is. I know moisturizer keeps your skin moist and prevents it from cracking and that’s about it from my acquaintance of facial products.

The gym, I’ve always been naturally slim, so why visit the gym? Do I need abs of steel to be a fully fledged gay man? I have a four pack, it took months of sit ups. Now, being tall makes push ups hard for me, so physically my chest is not that huge, it's square but not huge, why do I want male breast anyway...

I'm not flamboyant. I don't go around calling people 'honey' or 'biatch', I most definitely don’t jump for joy when Malaysia goes on sale and the barber cuts my hair. Okay so sometimes i go with my mom and we cut it in KlCC but that’s because she claims it's 'catching up'. However if someone is flamboyant and gay I respect them for being able to be who they are. Someone once said to me 'why do I have to come out of the closet, just to be pushed back in by my own fellow gay men and fit into their stereotype'. Well said! I have zilch against queens, but I like men...not women so they do nothing for me.

I hate sitting in Dome or KLCC starbucks waiting to be seen or to see which gay boy I can pick up. If i see someone I like i smile at them and approach them. Recently I saw this really cute Indian guy I said hi, we had a chat and turns out we know some people, now i know he's not gay, but had he been talking to him would have paid off, but even when he wasn’t it still did, you meet someone new everyday-they don't have to always be gay!

If you ask me, I don't really deserve a membership to Rainbowland, I don’t even like the term.

Recently gay men have been facing more strain to embrace a sub culture where they are defined physically. Gone are the days where gay men were perceived as flamboyant 'girlfriends'. Gay men are now straightening up their act, being more feminine or flamboyant have become objectionable, although it embraces the sexuality of a man and his ‘embedded’ social position you can argue that myths and common belief supposed the homosexual male as an inferior feminine by-product of the hetero sexual male, still do exist.

The media has played a huge part in supporting this stereotype. Audiences have an insatiable appetite for effeminate homosexual characters, audiences identify with the 'fab five', 'will, from will and grace' and 'Pricilla'. Audiences however are not able to identify a gay male who goes to the gym, indulges in sports, drinks beer, and coaches little league.

The homosexual community however should embrace their power as one especially in a country like Malaysia where they are shunned to the cubicles of the steam rooms. The Malaysian homosexual community should stand proud and do these together, not create sub cultures in their own community, thus dividing an already unhinged community, one that has been frowned upon and outcaste in our society.

Like the wise words of my friend, 'do not come out of the closet just go get back in, especially when the closet is your own world'. So let’s hope that instead of us widening our societal subculture gap even further, we bring it together. We can all make a difference; let’s not shun the old, the fairies, the feather boa queens, the steroid uncles, and the trannies. Together they do make up our rainbowland.

How do I know all this! MIRC, I’ve been having conversations recently with people on #Gaymalaysia. Yes how uncool and totally 2000, but after speaking with some people they have admitted and told me what ‘rainbowland’ in Malaysia has become. It’s not just here even in Australia, it’s actually worst there, Perth is a small place, and the guys there keep it straight, gay couples rarely come out, but tell people their good friends…explains why so many doubles play footie…I’m glad I’m just a normal guy, but I don’t pity my fellow sisters for who they are just because they are shunned, their embracing their pride to their fullest!

No...Not me la!

2006-02-25T14:26:00.000-08:00

The sort of thing you never think happens to you sometimes actually does: Here's list of when it happened to me.

-Pick pocketed - Fuckers in the LRT

-Car batteries died (In the middle of the road, thanks everyone for starring and not helping, and i'm sure the screams and insults would jolt my car to start up!)

- Pulled over (5 Seconds into the conversation is warrant enough for a cop to saman you, it's funny when the big tummy police men try their British English on me.)

- Caught red handed (So I knicked a comic book, I got off after I paid for it)

- Cheated on - By X

- Tire slashed - At uni, I suspect someone saw me and Mark.

- Pulled Over again for the same offence, damn those phones. (It’s even funnier when they try their British English and you talk back in perfect Bahasa Malaysia. 'Ya encik....Boleh cakap BM....)

- Shouted at the Pirated goods sellar in Petaling Street. (Somehow they don;t hearing a white boy go 'Mahal la! Takpa la!')

- Having a close friend pass -

- Failing - Australian Legal Tax System

See, you never know when it can happen to you!

Will

2006-02-25T14:25:00.000-08:00

Will might, he did it once to us. He will do it again.

The ending words of my previous post.

Will short for William Poole. Will is awesome; he’s a real nice guy a charmer. Will works out 5 days a week has a Jet Ski and drives a Lancer. A corporate dude he goes surfing every Saturday morning. Why morning? Because the surf is better then.

I have to admit Mark was a catch, he wasn’t the best looking guy out there, but he was one of them, he didn’t have the best body but he had a good one, where everyone lacked a special something Mark had it. He was rich in wit, humor and intelligence. The very reason I was attracted to him. Not because he drove a shiny black jeep or had a Colgate smile with the whitest set of teeth. He was smart he’s ideas were out of the box. Mark never went out with the hard bodied podium dancers or the gym bunnies. Mark liked something special, before me he was single for a very long time. Incongruously Will introduced me to Mark one night; we hit it off from there.

Will has slept with almost every eligible gay man in Perth. Every Feb and June he gets his pick of the best new international students in town. There are a host of universities in Perth and 2 gay clubs so go figure. I never liked Will he was what you call an acquaintance. He was also a slut, our hi and bye friendship lasted for years, from time to time Will would try to sleep with me, I would take a rain check.

I enjoyed every moment with Mark. A few months before I graduated I told Mark I hadn’t decided my future plans and that I might decide to stay or decide to go back. He sad it didn’t matter we would find a way to be together. Hah, as a man I know that I lie and I also know that all men are liars.

That very night was Will’s party. Did I mention they are good friends? Mark never came home that night; somehow I knew it was bound to happen sooner or later. I skipped the party because it was nearing my final weeks of Uni. If there’s a problem Mark had…it was with drinking, he got drunk too fast and without me to control his drinking that night it went out of control.

The next morning Mark walks in I watching TV. I look at him.

Me: I know.

Mark: What?

Me: You tell me?

Mark: Tell you what?

Me: It’s written all over you face.

Mark: Cut the crap, I got drunk and slept at Will’s place. You know I’d never do that.

Me: Somehow I don’t believe you.

Mark: STOP THE FUCKING MIND GAMES OK? You think you’re so smart…

Me: I don’t think it. I know.

Mark: Your right then. I did it. But that doesn’t change anything. You know how I get. It was a mistake.

Me: It’s ok I forgave you before you did it. (lie, lie, lie – as usual)

Mark then tries to hug me. Everything felt different from that moment, If you really loved someone and they cheated on you, you would know how it feels like. It hurts, the truth hurts, 2years later it will still hurt. The love too will always be felt, I cant say which is emotion is stronger.

A month later I moved out. When you trust someone and they hurt you, you can never take them back, sure I still loved him after, but it was different. I loved him for everything he had done for me before he did it. Everything I felt I had come to realize was love for a memory that would forever be with me. Everything after that turned into an association. I know William enjoyed watching me suffer, maybe he did it because I rejected him, maybe somewhere down there he loved Mark. I know Mark never meant to hurt me. He couldn’t, but he did. If Karma has it’s way Mark and William will pay. I on the other hand should be swimming on a bed of roses. But I aint, maybe not yet. But a warm feeling inside keeps telling me I will.

William, thank you for in one night ruining something so special, in one night he ruined 1 year of trial and tribulation. The next time you think of sleeping with someone’s girlfriend or boyfriend think again, think of the hearts your breaking, the happiness you’re ending. Why? All for a night of sin.

The X file

2006-02-25T13:15:00.000-08:00

Along with missing Perth I miss my X.

I miss the way he smiles at me when i wake up, I miss the way he looks so goddamcute. I miss the way he talks to me, I miss the way he wears his hair, I miss his touch, I miss his attitude, I miss his warmth, I miss his sweet smell, I miss the smell of his coffee breath when he kisses me, I miss the way he answers the phone, I miss the way he walks, I miss he's jokes, I miss he's optimism, I miss he's intellectuality, I miss the way he looked at me, and most of all I miss the way he loved me.

So I called him. The phone rang, and rang and rang. No answer.

'Hello, this is Mark, just leave your details and ill give you a ring soon'

'Hi, It's Josh. Was just calling to say hey. Hope your doing well. Take care, Lov...(Pause) Bye'

A few hours later I get a call, 'private number' showed on the screen.

Mark: Hey

Me: Hello, I knew it was you, doing well?

Mark: Not bad, you?

Me: Ok

Mark: You never say ok, with you it's always 'great' of 'awesome', whats wrong?

Me: (Take a deep breath) I'm fine, just really wanted to say hi.

Mark: Well hi! Now tell me what’s up?

Me: Well nothing much, I’m just bumming.

Mark: Your worst nightmare eh?

Me: You have no idea. How bout you? Seeing anyone?

Mark: Hmm, Yea actually I am.

Me: That’s awesome, anyone I know?

Mark: No one you know.

Suddenly I get it, something has changed. The way he talks to me, it lacks love; the way you talk to someone you used to love but only care about. But Mark can read me like an open book, he can read anyone.

Me: Well that’s great, I’ve been single.

Mark: Cool, listen I know your not okay, I can read you.

Me: I really am fine (lie, lie, lie)

Mark: You lie; you never were that good at it you know...

Me: Nothing is going as planned.

Mark: Did you think it would all fall into place so soon?

Me: Not soon, but neither did I think it would take this long.

Mark: What are you options?

Me: I could stay here and wait it out or come back and try my luck there.

Mark: I can't advise you on this, but you know there will always be a place for you if you ever do come back. (Or something like that)

Me: I know, thank you for letting me know all the time.

Somewhere along the conversation, He talked to me like he used to. Now I remember, what it feels like to be loved, to be talked to with love, respect, understanding. He doesn’t say much but it's what he says that confirms it.

Mark: No problem.

Me: This call is gonna cost you, I can call you back you know.

Mark: That’s alright I have to pick Will soon anyway.

Me: I know Will, are you guys…?

Mark: Yes. (longaassssssilence)

Me: Anyway, you should go now. Thanks for calling, Mark… I appreciate it.

Mark: No worries, Catch you later.

In a second one name, one memory can change everything. I'll blog about Will another time.

But after the conversation it was clear, relationships are never easy, those that last are filled with trials and tribulation, and those that fail are filled with trial and error.

Mark and I were trial and error, so much so when it ended I had stopped missing everything. But like most warm blooded humans, feelings are something you never forget.

I loved all and every moment of it, I hated some, do I miss it? Of course. Will I do it again? Never. Will might, he did it once to us. He will do it again.

For a second

2006-02-22T03:43:00.000-08:00

For a second back there I realised how much I miss Uni life and Perth. It's true what they say, 'those are the best days of our life'.

Why don't you tell me my future?

2006-02-22T03:35:00.000-08:00

I visited my parents today and decided that I’d spend the whole day with them, after lunch they both left, leaving me to the whole house, does anyone have any idea how boring that is? They just got back a while ago; thank god for the internet and the fact that I brought my laptop along with me, somehow I knew they would leave. Dad had to go back to work and mom had a gyne appointment.

I feel bad, someone I’ve been wanting to talk to for a while now said ‘your first impression is really down the scale’ ouch. All I have to say is I’m sorry, Kitjar. I’ve been having the worst week and you caught me on the day my parents decide to be at their most annoying.

I’m having a bad day! Does no one see that I’m entitled to being in a constant bad mood? Waking up with a hangover to a messy apartment, realizing that your jobless after months of graduating is not something that everyone goes through. But when it happens to me it just sets the day towards a downfall.

My parents seem to have concluded that I am not that independent after all leaving me to ponder after a weird conversation during lunch:

Dad: So son, still looking?

Me: yep, no luck yet.

Mom: Can’t you just be an assistant with Dad’s office until something comes along.

Me: No, I really wanna work in production…I did spend all that time studying it.

Dad: You also did commerce.

Me: Ya well, that doesn’t mean I have to actually work in it,

Dad: If you put it that way it doesn’t mean you have to only work in production, maybe no one is hiring now…anyway we’ve been expecting you and Joey to move back soon.

Me: what?

Mom: Maybe you and Joey should move back for a while…until you get on your feet and Joey graduates…it’s hard to keep track of him and we can rent out the apartment again…

I cannot believe my parents have been contemplating this. But it does make sense, I really wanted to support myself by now, I’m still living of them which brings me to the conclusion that:

‘Maybe I’m not that self-sufficient after all’

Why is it that no one is hiring me, I’ve been to various job interviews, I graduated with good results I have work experience! But it doesn’t matter, months after graduating and I’m still jobless. Sigh. Who am I kidding maybe I am just one of those spoilt kids. Maybe I should move back home, at least Joey would go for more classes. But then again no one said this would be easy and I’m not giving up till I get somewhere.

Minum Milo and Jadi Sihat dan Kuat.

2006-02-12T10:52:00.000-08:00

Spoilt boy my bro is, he has never turned on a stove. How shamefully.

Joey: Josh, help me turn on the stove...

Me: Your kidding right?

Joey: Seriously...I want to boil water...

Me: Why? We have a water boiler...

Joey: Oh yah, never mind then.

Me: Why do you want hot water?

Joey: Make Milo, I'm hungry.

Me: Do you know how to make milo?

Joey: ya ofcourse, don't think I'm stupid.

Me: Of course not Jo.

A few minutes later, I hear Joey screaming from the kitchen

Joey: Joooooooooooooooooooooo, where's the water heater thing????

Me: On the counter, beside the Microwave, it looks like a plastic kettle.

Sensing trouble I quickly walk to the kitchen, There is Milo powder on the floor and the kitchen counters, grrr. Wait, there is two mugs...

Me: Making me a cup to?

Joey: No way, it's for my girlfriend.

Me: Girlfriend? Since when? How come she got in unnoticed by me?

Joey: Cause you've been so busy with what's his name.

Me: His name is Nick, and it's over, hey the milo goes in before the water...And then the milk.

Joey: I knew that...Maybe next time we should buy packet milo ok? It's over, you guys were like annoyingly inseparable...

Me: Yup over, and then maybe we can start buying packet coffee and fresh milk too? I say sarcastically.

Joey: It's ok, I've figured how to use that giant coffee machine contraption Natasha knew how to use it.

Me: It's an espresso machine. Are you using protection?

Joey: Yes, and don't start...Whatever, now excuse me Natasha's milo awaits her.

I start singing in the...'Minum Milo and Jadi Sihat dan Kuat..." I can hear Joey scream as I clean up his mess 'Yea, you need to be drinking more milo then", if Joey and I fought I know I would win, afterall I actually went for the Karate classes while Joey skipped the expensive teacher to hit Bangsar Shopping Center or Hartamas with friends after school back in the day.

Say what?

2006-02-12T09:58:00.000-08:00

Remember the guy I met at Ikea? Well I met this guy in the Ikea smoking area at the cafe...he was cute and all, he smoked Dunhill Lights. Chinese, 6 footer, brownish hair, deep pink lips.

His name is Fong his English name is Danny...he called me right after I had broken up with Nick. What perfect timing, I've become so bored being jobless I think I might actually consider delivering newspapers just to pass the time. Anyway Danny and I meet in Starbucks...KLCC where else la?

Danny, arrives late and he brings a friend. Now don't get me wrong but what is up with people and their digital cameras and camera phones? Thank got they didn't take my picture. I mean we just met...I asked Danny is Chan (the friend) was his boyfriend. He blushed and said no, apparently they are friends. Their gay btw. I self awkward because Danny and Chan had each other and I was the outcast.

Somewhere along the lines of conversation, a weird topic came up. After the conversation on the topic ended I concluded Danny and Chan are Bias or racist. Danny is more polite but Chan is somewhat bolder in asking questions. The usual question popped up...

Chan: So are you mixed?

Me: Yea, Indian

Danny: Really? I thought you were Eurasian

Me: Yea...I am

Danny: Oh yah...

Chan: I don't think I've ever gone out with an Indian.

Me: Why is that?

Chan: Just preference.

Me: What do you mean?

Chan: I prefer Chinese? I dunno.

Danny: ya he likes ang mo's also...oh you do know what that is right?

Me: yup.

Chan: Where got...I go out with any race...except Indians, I find them offensive.

Me: Really? My dad is Indian.

Chan: Shit, sorry I didn't mean it that way...

Me: I know what you meant.

Chan: No no what I mean is, you know Bangsar...it used to be a nice place...now all these people have dominated the place...and they start fights and stuff.

Me: that's like saying the Chinese dominate the illegal piracy market in petaling street, only it's true.

Chan: Ya, but who doesn't buy pirated stuff....and they don't cause fights.

Me: So your saying Indian people start fights? What rubbish.

Chan: No that's not what I meant, your misunderstanding.

Me: that's exactly what you meant, and it would be good if you stopped talking.

Danny: Erm, does anyone want another coffee?

Me: Actually boys, I think Ill be heading home now...I want skip the jams.

Chan tries to apologize. Too late, from the moment you walked up to me and sat down it was apparent you were a racist bias fool, you don't deserve my time, I cannot believe I wasted it on you. Danny, the company you keep reflects whom you are, and since you guys are best friends... Good bye, hope to never see you two again, C'est La Vie!

I'm getting sick of people asking me what race I am, does it matter? I certainly don't care. Sometimes I wish god had made me a lil more darker atleast I wont have to answer so many stupid questions, face dumb remarks and turn Paris Hilton orange in the sun! But them again I'm happy with who I am. Damn I hate racist people. When I was a student I noticed that some Australians were a little racist especially to Asians, I was lucky that I was spared but some of my friends got it bad. I never thought I would face it in Malaysia. I guess our country is growing more dicks heads.

Peace.

P is for Party, D is for Drive and B is for Break.

2006-02-07T09:44:00.002-08:00

Nick surprised me today, he drives an automatic car and so do I. He was driving my Waja today and we stopped at the traffic light, without warning the car engine stopped. Nick tried to start it over and over again it failed. I looked down, it was in drive. Now I know little about cars but I do know that automatic cars do not start at D, R, and 2, they only start on P and N. So I pushed it to P and the car starts up.

Me: Nick, you do know that it doesn't start on D, R or 2 right?

Nick: Erm, no.

Me: that's alright.

Nick: I do know that D is for drive and P is for Party.

Me: Huh.

Nick: Yala when you park you go PARTY.

Me: Ok, I think we need to talk.

Nick: About?

Me: I think were moving too fast, maybe we should slow thing down...

Nick: Oh...But. Is it because of what I just said? There you go again with your 'I'm so much better that everyone'

Me: Nick stop it, I just feel that im not right for you, your too fun for me.

Nick: As in I'm frivolous?

Me: What, no I don't mean it that way, please ok.

Nick: You know, don;t think your so great ok, cause you are not.

Me: What the fuck are you talking about, hey where are you getting all these ideas from?

Nick: Sorry, that was a bit to much.

Me: YA I think so, why don't yo really say what's on your mind ey?

Nick: Im sorry, can we not fight.

Me: I never fight with you Nick, but you seem to have pre judged me. I cant take it, its better that we just stop seeing each other for a while.

Nick: Are you sure, im really sorry okay, cant we talk about it.

Me: everything I try to talk to you, im fighting, that's why I don't say much.

The drive home lasted forever. Nick collected him 3 belongings from my place and left. A tooth brush, a spare shirt and a CD.

I hope I hear from Nick again, I have a feeling I wont. Oh well, life goes on.

I had no idea

2006-02-06T07:45:00.000-08:00

I had no idea:

Blogger removes your links if you change your template.

Blogger Removes your sitemeter when you change your template.

I still have no idea how to use and do most thing on my blog. Fuck.

Gay day out

2006-02-03T09:34:00.000-08:00

Nick insisted we visit Mid Valley Megamall today. I thought I was a good change from the usual KLCC. I have memorized every eater and the names of the sales people at Dome and Starbucks that's how much we frequent those places.

Mid Valley is huge compared to KLCC maybe the high fashion in KLCC is better but I like Mid Valley more, I like the open space on the top floor..and I like all that walking around, but it needs more lighting. What surprised me is that on a Friday the place was packed with people and among these people ALOT of Gay men, all kinds, the queens, the divas, the macho men, the sweat club gym goers, and the happy couples, I think Nick and I fell into the happy couple category.

What I really dislike about gay men and couples generally over here is that they are so f*ing full of it. If I saw someone else on the streets of Australia I would smile at them and vice versa...maybe some queens felt they were too good to be looked at but here they either stare with the 'undressing' stare or give you attitude. I have tried smiling and being jovial only to get no smiles in return. There was this guy who said hi to me once and that was about it. The others just stare as though their going to come strip you.

Nick met an endless supply of friends, I've made so many useless contacts, many of them were gay and some chicks. We then headed to (Salon Name here: Sorry I'm not going to give them the publicity) because I seriously needed a haircut...I asked for something simple. And said just a trim...Nick begin giving the guy instructions in Chinese and I stood sat there looking stupid. While getting my hair cut Nick and the guy had a serious conversation in Chinese. Later I asked Nick what they talked about.

Me: So what were you and the Hairdresser talking about?

Nick: He's a stylist....Nothing la. He said your cute....

Me: And then?

Nick: I said your mine larrr...

Me: Am I?

Nick: aren't you?

Me: I'm my own, next time say I'm with you.

Nick: Okay I don't want to fight.

Me: I'm not trying to fight, there is just certain things I don;t like.

Nick: Ok OK,

Before we left the salon the guy asked if I would like to be in a Hair show...he actually spoke in almost good English. I just said maybe, and he said he would be in touch...with Nick ofcourse and looked at me weirdly when I refused to give my phone number.

Sensing trouble from Nick after the salon treatment, I dragged him to Basking Robins and bought him Ice Cream which we shared IN PUBLIC, Haha two adult looking guys sharing an ice cream, yes we got stared at someone even smiled at us. But it shut Nick up. I've realized that Nick likes showing me off, I don't like it, but I'll live with it until it bothers me too much. The Mid Valley outing was a first gay day out for me Nick is somewhat very much gay unlike me, were not compatible, but why am I finding it so hard to let him go? Maybe it's because:

He wakes me up, he gives good head, he's good in bed, he drives me around, he;s sweet, he's nice, we like the same movies, and...Well this is the point that I've run out of ideas. DAMN. I always decide that someone is not right for me when it's much too late.

Myself

2006-02-01T02:37:00.000-08:00

Today I spent most of the day right after breakie alone, I like being alone sometimes especially after spending almost every day of the last week with Nick. My eyes still hurt a little from the flash of his, Pauline and Jojo's digital camera. I don't really see the point of taking pictures during breakfast. Nevermind, even my phone doesn't have a camera.

I've decided to do something different today on MY blog a photo google thing, i maybe a little bored...but it might be fun...

The Cast of OC

Too perfect, my fav character is the boy with the curly hair because of his playstation and he's the only funny one. Marisa and the lame lead character are quite bad actors...

If this show was real, atleast 2 of them would be over weight, one of the men bald. And a few of them would have crooked nooses. And since the OC stands for Orange County...I think so...i'll google Orange in yahoo Images next...

Lady in orange

How a real women would have looked in past times compared with the actresses in films like Troy, King Author, A nights tale etc...

I would never wear that, I wonder what women would.

She needs a bra...

I would like to see that on the cover of Vogue...now to google Vogue, this picture caught my attention:

It's called the Vogue Sins

Pollution, Christianity, Nudity, Avant Garde, A little tacky, Retro. So now Retro...

This is the first picture to come up:

Hot, big tits, tits, nudity, black and white. Now to google white:

Blonde running if field

Tits, Tanned, Blonde, Hot bod, White outfit, looks like Paris Hilton, Fuck now I have to google the bitch...argh.

heh heh, Paris and Courtney Love

Let me see, what do I think, Whore, slut, ugly, superficial, stupid, morons, pink, puppies, simple life, red, drugs, old, blonde, men lots of men. I think to spruce things up i'll google blonde men :P

This should be fun...

Blonde, Nice eyes, hair a little like a girl...somewhat like my friend Jase, strong jaw, handsome, my type maybe.

This has got to end, it was purely for entertainment purposes anyway. Joey's back and I think it's about time I catch up with him.

THIS WAS NOT PLANNED

2006-01-31T13:36:00.000-08:00

I never planned this. I never wanted to post up pictures of men...but...maybe just once. Why? Because two of my biggest television crushes are really being ignored by gay audiences. Nick doesn't even know their names. I know most of you wouldn't but I would.

Ladies and Gay Men I present to y'all:

Ian Somerhalder,

look at his face it's unique, strong masculine. you might have seen him playing a gay character in Rules of Attraction, Lost, and Prada Advertising. The second picture is just to tease.

Next Stop,

Cillian Murphy:

He is unique and check out those lips. Put him and Angelina Jolie in a room with me and I swear I'll be in ecstasy. Hmmm is it just me or do they look a like? You might have seen Cillian on Red Eye, Batman Begins and 28days later ( a must watch). Check it out...but the pictures don't do him as much justice as Ian up there...

The End

My parent? Sure they love you.

2006-01-31T09:56:00.000-08:00

I asked Nick what his parents thought about me. I presented myself well, I was polite, I mingled, I socialized, I even joked with them. But these people obviously want Superman to date their son. I don't know why it bothers me, why should it? I barely know these people in fact, I barely know their son. I know were moving a little too fast considering we just met but everything seems almost too perfect, I mean how many gay, single, available and dateable guys do I even know in KL? At this time in my life Nick seems too fit in very well. But where does my career fit in. Oh well, damn that saying about cakes. Back to the parents, I asked Nick what they thought about me while we're having lunch in 1U.

Me: Just out of curiosity, what did your parents say?

Nick: Nothing much.

Me: Sure not....

Nick: Why are you so tanned suddenly, you look a little Paris Hilton tanned.

Me: Cause I've been jogging in the sun. I hate Parish Hilton, don't ever link me with her. So your parents, how?

Nick: Well, if you must know...They said you were a little distant.

Me: Is that good or bad?

Nick: Well, you didn't really answer much of their questions during lunch, dinner time you were quiet and well you we're just hanging by yourself most of the time...Maybe they think your a bit smug...They thought you would at least get along with Pauline and Jojo.

Me: Ha? Pauline and Jojo?

Nick: My parents love them to bits.

Me: I wasn't really feeling that well during dinner you know, jogging in the sun every morning is taking a toll on me and I can't take the heat as well as you can.

Nick: Cause I'm hot mah...

Me: of course you are, I'm still here for a reason heh he, wait! Does that mean your parents don't like me?

Nick: It's too soon to tell, but my parents like people who talk a lot anyway.

Me: Explains why they love Pauline and Jojo to bits.

Nick: I know you don't like them, but don't talk about them like that.

Me: Like what?

Nick: With, like that tone?

Me: What tone?

Nick: The 'I'm so superior than them tone' okay!

Me: So you think that? I really tried with them you know. We just had nothing to talk about, plus I was feeling like shit. I don't think I'm superior than anyone by the way.

Nick: ok, but maybe you don't know it?

Me: Hah, you parents think I'm smug and you think I have a superiority complex. That's awesome.

Just the the waiter brings my salad, I thank the waiter. I look at Nick, I'm the kind of person who chats with the waiter, knows the names of every worker at the mamak near the apartment, and talks to people randomly. Nick on the other hand has friends like Pauline and Jojo, never thanks a waiter and has been rude to about 3 service people so far claiming they were incompetent. But Nick thinks I have a superiority complex, nevermind.

Me: Nick, tell me everything you think about me being superior.

Nick: it's not that okay...It's just that you know lah, parents how they are...(bla blah bla) they don't understand. Maybe I'm overacting.

Me: maybe you don't really know me, take some time okay?

Today I've decided Nick is too much for me to handle, I'm a rebound, and we are moving to fast, when was a relationship in the plans anyway.

The Dinner Party

2006-01-30T10:56:00.000-08:00

I stay for tea, the drinking and gambling session at night. It’s not really my cup of tea but it was interesting watching the demure and composed Nick I’ve known for less than two weeks turn into a social butterfly while entertaining his friends ( a real nice bunch) and some family. It’s amazing how many cans on beer were finished in mere hours…I meet his best friend Jojo and Pauline. Jojo and Pauline are ok at a glance, but they are fukwits, the never stopped talking rubbish for the entire time I was with them, they also gave out a little fact I didn’t want to know.

Nick had recently broken up, with his boyfriend of 1 year. Why? Nick cheated on him. Not something I wanted to know so early into dating someone. Finding out the guy your dating can’t keep it in his pants or can’t resist bending over for someone else is not fun. Is it just me or are best friends supposed to keep their darned traps shut.
For someone with so much sophistication like Nick I’m appalled at the company he keeps. Everyone else at the dinner was wonderful nothing but joyous and full of spirit, they were kind, friendly and warm to me. But Jojo and Pauline were stupid and rude from the time I met them. They drank beer like water and it showed on their pathetic bodies. Yes Jojo was a queen and Pauline was a fag hag. This was the most interesting conversation the three of us had while Nick did his obligatory socializing:

Jojo: So Joshua, is your hair really that colour, I mean Indians have black hair right and your dad is Indian right so how come ah your hair ash colour?

Me: Actually it’s almost dark browm, but you seem to know allot about me, even though today’s the first day I’ve ever seen you.

Pauline: Yahhhh…that’s because he harasses Nick for information, the moment he found out you were mixed this Jojo went crazy…

Jojo: Eh! Where got, no la this Pauline is talking rubbish. Anyway Joshua what is it that you do? Wah you live at **** ******* sure must be raking it in ah….

Me: Haha no, I just graduated and it’s my parents house, so okay who needs more drinks?

I just walk away, and look for Nick, I can’t drive anymore because I’ve had three drinks, and the heat was killing me the whole day. I ask Nick to call me a cab and he insist I stay the night and that I should go sleep soon because I was red. I look into the mirror in Nicks room when I get up there. I am red, my face is flushed, my palms are red and my ear tips are red, I’m sweating and I can feel a head ache coming on. The bed looks welcoming, the air conditioning sweeps we on to the bed. The moment I hit the pillow I fall into a deep sleep dreaming of an hacking Jojo and Pauline for their miss use of information. Later i’m awaked by Nick, he cuddles up beside me. I hate cuddling, but somehow I feel Nick needs it, I kiss him on the fore head and hug him and instantly fall asleep with him in my arms.

I wake up to the sound of a Nick on the phone.

Nick: It’s none of your business.

Pause

Nick: Who told you?

Pause

Nick: I was willing to give it a chance, you didn’t want me anymore, so now kiss my ass okay?

Pause

Nick: Something in Chinese…

( he then hang’s up)

He turns and looks at me.

Nick: hey, your awake, had a good sleep?

Me: yea not bad. What’s going on?

Nick: Oh nothing, just a small argument, nothing much…he just sits there and stares at me, his frown then slowly turns into that cheeky grin again…as he walks towards me…
I wonder if he knows I know, oh well this is going to get interesting, I can’t believe I am however the rebound, and I knew things were going to well…

The reunion lunch

2006-01-30T10:14:00.000-08:00

I joined nick and his family for the Chinese new year reunion dinner. I was actually glad to be included with something so special but the evening party at his place did not go too well.

Nick and I are not together yet, but we are dating. Nick asked me if we’re a couple, with his cute eyes glimmering in the sunshine while we were driving one afternoon. I told him that we are dating; he then invited me to his reunion dinner.

Do your parents know your gay? I asked curiously.

Yes they do, and I’m sure they would love having you over. He said.

Really, well than I guess it’s a plan.

Dui! That fucker doesn’t know how to drive la, Chow Chi Bei!

Nick lives in bangsar, a cute little house designed with a Balinese theme. Later I found out his mother is an interior designer. That Sunday afternoon I sat down to lunch with Nicholas, Andrew, May, Tan ( the dad) and Stephanie ( the mom), aunt ling and uncle jimmy and two other people. The lunch was interesting and for some reason the parents seemed very curious when it came to me…

Tan ( the dad) : So Joshua, what is it you do?

Me: Well I just graduated and I’m looking for a job…I did media and commerce by the way…

Tan: Now that’s interesting, tell me is it like Mass communications, Andrew is doing that.

Me: Well it’s almost the same except I studied film aswell.

Tan: Wah so you’re the next Steven Spielberg wan ah…

Me: Yeah hopefully!

Stephanie (the mom): Wah so much ambition…Tell us whats your favourite movie?

Me: Well I actually have too many…

Stephanie: Too many…(thank god the subject changes to some Chinese film at the moment…for some reason it was like I was being interviewed).

Suprisingly Nick’s family is very open and nothing like the typical Chinese family I would have expected, the lunch was awesome, all kinds of grand dishes… And after that we were just lounging around the house watching Astro. That’s when I hear Nick and his aunt Ling talking in Chinese. I hear the words ‘Ang Moh’, ‘Leng Chai’ and ‘Bo Eng’, I know the first two but I have no idea what the third one is. So much later when Nick finally shows me his room I ask him.

Me: So what were you and your aunt talking about? Sounded interesting…not that I understood any of it. I ask.

Nick: Well she just said that your handsome. He reply’s

Me: Whats ‘Bo eng’? I casually ask.

Nick: She never said that…he replies hastily.

Me: Really I swore I heard it, I say.

Nick: Nop…yea she also said something about you being white and how lucky I am for snagging you, you know the typical Chinese way of thinking.

Me: I’m sure it’s nothing like that, Did you tell her I’m half Indian?

Nick: Nop.

Me: Why not? I ask curiously.

Nick: Well she didn’t ask, also her ex husband was Indian and dumped her since then she’s gotten a little racist after that if you know what I mean…

Me: Really, but she shouldn’t judge all the Indian people just because of that…

Nick: What makes you think that?

Me: You tell me?

Nick: That’s too much.

Me: I’m sorry, the weather is really getting to my head.

Sensing trouble I pull nick towards me and say:

‘this is kind of sexy…your room, me your parents down stairs…it’s like were sneaking around after school’

Nick Gives me one of his wide cheeky grins, his dimples become visible. Peace is restored once again as I slowly kiss his neck and as he begins to reach down my pants, someone knocks on the door…’ah Nick ah, you and your friend come down for tea soon yah…

Absent

2006-01-28T07:52:00.000-08:00

I haven’t been away, maybe I’ve been away from the computer..Nick has stolen my time from my dear blog and the internet.

Yes Nick, the guy I met on the road, turns out he’s name I Nicholas I call him lego. Just to annoy him. Nick and I had coffee and started hanging out more, like everyday kind of more. The problem with Nick was after three days, 2 lunches 3 dinners and 2 coffee’s I still had no idea he was remotely interested in me or my company. Ok maybe I knew he was interested in my company but about me I had no idea. Another problem with Nick was that he was cute and being around him made me constantly want to grab his head, kiss him and pull him to bed. Let me give you a break down on Nick;

6 footerFunky hair cutConfortable with wearing pinkAwesome sneekersDrives me around! ( good considering I wouldn’t be able to navigate to save my life)Funny, cute – not in a cocky wayLikes to burst out in Chinese curses on the road (nyaima, sohai, dui, dui dui, mot**r f***er!!!) He doesn’t sound like an ‘ah beng’ when doing it…I find it sexy…loves moviesjust my type of guy

Now where was I yup….so one day me and Nick were at Starbucks, much to my dislike…it was the fourth time we had been to KLCC in the same week and I was starting to get bored of it. Nick insist I bring my computer…so before I get there I decide to have a little fun. I create a folder…and name it GAY PORN and place it on the desktop. Now im sure Nick will catch it. At starbucks nick turns on my computer…has the sligshest grin opens the internet explorer log’s on to IMDB after some time were done googling movies. He closes the window. It’s inevitable that he doesn’t see the folder now. For a second I feel like Nick is straight and probably thinks I’m a creep. But then he does something that I don’t think anyone has ever done…he opens Microsoft word blank page;

Nick: Type something…

Me: like what?

Nick: Anything at all….btw everyone is checking you out.

Me: No their not…

Nick: just look around…ok that group of girls….

Me: Oh shit, that’s a little rude…

Nick: Ok type something…anything!

At this point I knew exactly what I was going to type down:

‘I like you, what do you have to say about that?’
He look at the screen gives me a wide grin pulls the computer away from my view and types this (the silence was killing me):

‘I had no idea, but I was hoping you would, and I never thought in my wildest dreams I would find out like this…but then I saw the folder on the desktop and thought that maybe…just maybe…I have a chance J. BTW they are still looking our way, maybe they think it’s weird we typing like this…and we haven’t said a word for the last 5 minutes…I honestly don’t know what to say…’

After reading that we laughed for a bit and left for my place…do I need to explain what happened next? I think not :P But let me tell you it was good…all 5 times.

Peace and Happy Chinese New Year.

Let's see...

2006-01-28T07:09:00.000-08:00

This is my blog, I have no idea why I posted my email on it, because some people just don’t understand that I’m going to write exactly what I want when I want to. Weather it’s about a job interview or my brother. Listen, if you get offended or think I’m a show off or crap just get lost…there are tons of other queer writers out there. Do not get worked up on what I write, we are all entitled to our thoughts. Now to the fuck and other fuck who emailed me with your thoughts go find a carrot and some porn go get turned on and go fuck yourself.

Well said Joshua.

Back Early

2006-01-20T11:09:00.000-08:00

I enjoyed myself today night for about 2 hours into the night. The term Asian heritage row is euphemism for something totally 'tak jadi' the place was just another bangsar...maybe more class. We arrived there to Bar Savahn, I think that’s how you spell it, even when there was a parking lot next to the bar/club/establishment Joey had Jolie valet parked.

After Joey and friends worked out how many bottles they were having and got down the guest list etc we got in and went to our area. At this point I knew all Joey's friends, all 8 of them...the hi's we're exchanged at the door. 5 straight guys and 3 girls, the fashion queen arrived later much to my dislike and petite was there also. I looked around this place...it looked okay....we were seated in a nice area, I wondered how many drunk fools might have ended up in that water...the people here were dressed okay...nothing too flashy like Joey had earlier described.

A while later the drinks came, I tucked my self on a chair and enjoyed my drink to the beat of some unheard song. Drink after drink. On my 5th I felt a slight tipsiness hitting me; I then realize how sick I was talking to Joeys friends. Most of them liked talking about Perth and how they knew this person there and that person. At about 12 something or was it 1? The place got so packed and people started dancing! Dancing in a bar...that’s quite weird, that’s when Joey and most of his friends were already alcohol induced and proceeded to dance as well. I couldn’t take the mind numbing conversation any longer.

I took a walk outside, while having a smoke alone sitting on a stool alone some one approaches me. He my height I though...had a weird hair cut with his hair pushed up front covering one eye and everything else short. He was obviously gay, a bottom most likely...his pants were to shiny, shirt too thight, neckline too low, he introduced himself as S.

S: Can I have a light?

Takes a fag out (no pun intended) and places it in his mouth, he wants me to light it.

Me: You’re a tease, I say knowing that I’m flirting.

S: winks at me,

At this point I try not to laugh by the show S is putting on for me; I also notice a group of girls looking our way as if saying "see I told you...confirm gay" I light him up and get back to my drink. S then proceeds to chat, I am seriously not in the mood at this moment. The music is good and I really like chilling.

S: So where you from? Haven’t seen you around? Let me guess...Australia? Your accent is so obvious!!!

Me: Ha, hmm no lar I don’t have an accent ey... I say in a mixture of my best Malaysian English and faux accent emphasizing the 'ey'

S: Ha-ha your so, funny. So where are you from?

Me: Here...I’m Malaysian.

S: Oh really....how does that work?

Me: Mixed, I say, a cold one word reply.

I know S is running out of conversation at the moment, just then I would have never expected it but petite and fashion queen are coming to my rescue, I shoot them a 'help me' look. I know their coming over anyway. What’s funny is that when they come over they act as if their long term friends of mine, surprisingly then know S they do their hug kiss thing and S leaves getting the hint. I thank them, and ask for Joey. This party was over a while ago for me. I walk in Joey is red...somebody had a tad bit too much to drink.

Me: Hey I think I’m gonna head home...can you catch a ride with one of your friends?

Joey: Your taking my car back, dude you can't drive you've been drinking.

I know I’ve had 5 drinks and I should not be driving but I’ve sobered up and Joey has had way more and SHOULD NOT BE DRIVING AT ALL. In the end Joey refuses and tells me to take a cab considering we live 15 minutes away. I bid farewell to everyone and leave. I have no idea where to catch a cab; the streets are filled with people. Beautiful people, drunk people, the tipsy, the losers, the wannabees, the poofters, the valets, the average looking Joe...who shall I ask for directions or help? Then I spot him, standing alone in the corner smoking, the better than average Joe that could be gay. As I walk towards him he notices me and proceeds to check me out, I smile at him, he gives me a weak one.

Me: Hey, do you have any idea where I can get a cab?

He gives me directions, he is fucking cute, and I need to do something.

Me: I'm Joshua by the way... (He then introduces himself as Nick). I proceed to ask him what he's up to.

Nick: Well, I was out with some friends at savan but I’m just not feeling it tonight.

Me: Yea me too, this place is a drag my brother Joey insisted I go out...I had fun for the first few hours though...

Nick: your brother is Joey? As is Joey Taylor?

Me: yeah? how did you know? you know him?

Nick: You guys look like twins but your taller and I used to go to that college.

Me: I see, small world hey...I say slowly loosing interest.

Nick: So where you heading? I’m about to catch a cab back as well.

Me: Just too........(so and so)

Nick: Wow you live close; you should be walking man, enjoying the sights...

Me: You know what, I think I will. You should join me, I say my interest picking up.

Nick: yea I think that’s better than standing here anyway...

Nick walked with me for about 20 minutes before we realized that 15 minutes by car...means at least 40 minutes by foot. Nick is cute, very boyish with his messy hair, had on a cool pair of sneakers and definitely made me laugh. I tell Nick I’m planning to hop in a cab since I’m tired. In the 20 minutes of walking with Joey, I found out he works in Damansara. The best part...he's with the media. I know I need to make friends with Nick, the best part is he is awesome, funny, cute and a little shorter than my 6 feet and 3 inches of height, beside me he looks every part my boyfriend.

Me: You should come check out my place...; I say reminded that Nick said he likes Ikea furniture and Joey's room is an Ikea showroom.

Nick: Hmm I don't know, I though of going home and getting maybe watching a movie, it might be a bit hard getting a cab later anyway.

Me: Yea...good point,

Nick then gives me his number, and I pass mine to him, at this point I know he is gay. Come on, which straight guy would give another guy his mobile phone number and walk him down the street? I hail a cab after sometime of waiting, it stops a few meters in front of us, as I walk toward it after bidding Nick farewell. Just before i get in I turn and give him a smile and my classic salutation. In the night I can still see him blush, damn I want to.... (But that’s another story)

I reach home, undress and turn on the teli, my phone beeps, Nick sent me an SMS:

"Hey ur totally Vked, v should hav tat movie marathon 1day, anyway we'l meet up sumtime yea? nite"

I reply, "I never thanked you for the directions, wicked am I? we'll see...give you a call soon. G'night"

If I play my cards right I’ll be having sex with nick in a week or less, but what happened to the old fashion way of going to a club and picking someone up? or gaydar? That brings me to a Carrie like SATC query that I hate myself for bringing up and being connected to-SATC ‘Do the queer in KL actually do it the straight way?’

Wrapping up the week

2006-01-20T08:16:00.000-08:00

It’s a Friday, in the months I’ve been back I’ve still not gotten used to the fact that Muslim’s
have to pray on Fridays and most roads that have a mosque are packed jammed. I just had breakie with Craig once again I’ve been brought to PJ. Breakfast was ok, Craig called and brought it earlier because he would be busy the whole day doing god knows what. Craig has changed so much since I last saw him at uni. It’s good he seems more career orientated now. I know it’s going to be hell driving back to KL. And in the four months I’ve been back I haven’t gotten laid. Damn. Oh well, just as I was about to head home in the Jam Joey calls. It’s not like Joey to call in the middle of the afternoon on a Friday.

Joey: Jo, where are you?

Me: Somewhere near Bangsar…on the way back,.

Joey: Hey, wanna have lunch in Bangsar? I’m Bored…I have a friend he wants to meet you…you know... your kind, he says coyly

Me: You mean gay? i ask curiously...

Joey: Yeah, no offence, he sound a tad bit guilty.

Me: Don’t be bodo ok, I’ll meet you for lunch, but don’t try to set me up with your college friends ey? (pronounced hey)

Joey: hey hey, stop saying hey la, now in Malaysia you have to say lahhhhhhh, he drags on...

Me: Yala, i say trying to sound spontaneous It's not that i have an accent or anything it's just that after five years some slang does stick with you. Joey, picks the most expensive restaurant in Bangsar, much to my dislike because I know Dad’s credit card is going to be paying for lunch. However if memory serves me right La Bodega has quite nice food. We spend most of the day indulging in hollow conversation and I meet Joey’s friend. A college queen who thinks he’s a fashion guru, startlingly he’s funny. I never knew Joey had a gay friend. Never In my life would I have anticipated me and my footie playing brother to be lunching in Bangsar with a wannabe fashion guru queen. Wannabe Fashion Guru kept asking me if I go to the gym and proceeds to feel my arm…Joey thinks were flirting. But I know my taste; fashion sister here is not it. Lunch wasn’t that bad, and it was nice seeing my brother, while we were eating a girl walks up, she must have been about 17, she looked like she stepped out of one of those fashion magazines, a little little thing, she was astonishingly cute and I could have swore checked me out. She came for Joey of course…and joined us. I always knew Joey was smart but I always wondered why he enjoyed being such a social person and indulged in such trivial pursuits.

The petite girl kept referring to this girl and that girl and she and the queen went on and on about fashion and Gucci and LV shit. Joey looked bored, but I noticed he was wearing one of those pricey Ralph Lauren shirts with his collar flipped up. My brother is a Metrosexual and I know he will never admit it. The other day I walked into his bathroom and I found toner among other thing which I have no idea advantage mankind in anyway. .Back to lunch Petite finally leaves not before complementing how I look better that Joey…and invites me to some bar tomorrow apparently it’s her birthday. I guess I’m going considering she asked me about ten times and Joey says I need to get out.

After lunch, which surprisingly the queen pays for we walk out, I tell them my car is parked in Bangsar Village and I wanna do some walking around, Joey and the queen get into a silver Mercedes that the queen has had valet parked, how idle…I tell Joey I’ll see him at home and leave, later a black car honks at me…its petite. After telling her where I was heading she says she wouldn’t mind walking around too…I know she likes me. A 20yearold who looks like a 17year old kept me company for the next hour. I can’t deem the turn my life has taken. I actually think petite is not that bad, I judged her too much during lunch. I also notice how there are very little attractive boys in bangsar. This one tranny smiled at me but, dude…where are the men?

Oh well I’m home now, it’s been quite a day…and Joey is raiding my closet…since he’s laundry never got done. I’ve agreed to go out with my 20 year old bro and his friends tonight. Since I’ve been back I haven’t actually gone clubbing or partying, I met most of my friends for lunch or movies and declined offers to go out. But Joey insists I will have fun. I do need a drink and Asian heritage row…sounds interesting; Joey never struck me as the type to go somewhere cultural. I’m off now, Joey wants to pick out my clothes because he thinks I look too boring…and I might embarrass him with my surfer chic. I’m slowly starting to wonder, who’s the gay one? Joey my brother the metrosexual or me now that my virginity is growing back?

Don't be late boy

2006-01-19T09:07:00.000-08:00

I realize now that in this moment of my life I'm a full time baby sitter to my younger brother...He's 19, but my life is going no where and we live together. I try to give Joey advice, but like all 19yearolds they think they've seen it all.

Last night...Make that morning, my eyes suddenly open. I wasn't dreaming it was one of those deep sleeps. I get up and walk to the kitchen it's 4am and in my own place I find it perfectly decent to walk from my room to the kitchen in my boxer shorts, only the boxer shorts, I mean their not those super tight gay Calvin Klein ones...Joey should either be asleep, playing with his penis, a girl or the Play Station 2 in his own room.

But no, on the way to the kitchen in the hall, there are 6 people staring at me, yup six college kids all watching some dumbass movie sprawled across my wonderfully living room. Grrr, and guess what, they've been smoking, Pot. In all the confusion I only manage to notice there are 3 girls there 3 boys including Joey and the offending bong, the bong carefully placed on an antique coffee table me and pop's bought only weeks ago.

Whatever, when I was Joey's age I did this shit too, I get to the kitchen and begin pouring myself some water, and Joey walks in.

Joey: What the hell?

Me: What now Jo?

Joey: You could at least put on some clothes.

Me: You! Could have atleast told me you were going to be doing drugs in our place, and we walk around like this all the time...nothing your friends haven't seen they all old enough.

Joey: It's just weed...Come join us la?

Me: No thanks, and BTW you've got class at 9am. Good Night.

I salute his friends and make my way to my room, I hope the girls got a good view of my ass in those boxers.

After my morning jog which I enjoy every morning in the polluted heart of KL I'm sipping my coffee reading yesterdays newspaper. It's 8.45am, Joey hasn't left yet, they place is however clean. It's not my job to be waking up my younger bro. Joey walks into the living room seconds later...eyeing my coffee. Joey's eyes are red, he looks tired.

Me: Go ahead, there's more in the kitchen...

I grab my sunnies from the coffee table and head to the kitchen.

Me: Here use these, never go to class with eyes like that, lecturers always know.

Joey: Speaking from experience?

Me: I was once your age you know...

Joey: haha yea right, you've always been idlest 50.

Me: Don't be a wise ass, do you have any money?

Joey: Yup, Do you need some?

Me: Nop, I was just checking...seeing the way you spend...

Joey: Mom passed me some last week, and I have an ATM you know...

I then just realize...The only person who ever gives me money is dad...but only Mom gives Joey his allowance. But then again, pop prob hates the way Joey spends and well mom would buy Joey a country if she could.

Me: Just checking...after all if I'm 50 I'm old enough to be your dad.

Joey: Yes dad....Oh yea, sorry about last night, I should have told you.

For someone who slept a few hours ago and is prob hung up, Joey still has his wicked sense of humor.

Me: No worries ok, just don't do it too often. Unless of course you wanna get stupid...Ok get your ass out of here, I have no idea how your going to get your ass to cyber in 15 minutes.

Joey: Chill Jo, that's why I have Jolie.

Me: Who? (oh no....he named the Japanese thing)

Joey: My car... I mean, ill still be late but...

Me: Your always late, and drive carefully. Ok Jo, see ya. HANG ON! Joey, I just want you to know, if there's anything you wanna tell me or talk to me about I'm here for you, you know right?

Joey: Dude, you are so gay man, first the decorating now the gay talks. (Laughs out loud)

Me: Your not leaving without a big gay hug then!

supprisingly Joey hugs me. I love my lil bro, although were worlds apart. I really hope Joey grows up soon. Then again I should cut him some slack because he's 19 he should be enjoying life. I just wished he would look out of the box once in a while and notice there are bigger things out there.

I SMS Joey later in the day, I was feeling bored and the topic of the morning was still in my head...this is what I sent:

'I love you-your big gay brother'

A few seconds I get a reply:

'DUDE, PLZ STOP ok?' anyway your a skinny ass with a four pack and you suck literally. LOL.

I know Joey prob laughed at his own wits. I also know he's still not comfortable with my sexuality and fails to see that being emotional does not link me with my homosexuality. I'm a top for goddsake. Then again does he even know what a top is?

Tomorrow, breakfast with Chris whose all the way from Hong Kong.

Smoke

2006-01-18T02:54:00.000-08:00

I'm disappointed with myself, I've started smoking again. I think it's due to the boredom...But I don't think I'll be quitting anytime soon..Maybe when things start to get hectic.

I smiled at a guy today, he smiled back. Then I offered him a smoke...He politely declined and proceeded to take a packet of dunhil lights out of his pocket and light his own. I know nothing is going to happen out of this, this guy is cute but straight. He does look curious...So I finally ask him if he would like to catch up during the week, he said yeah...and suggested Starbucks KLCC... That's grand. We exchange numbers and he tells me he has to go. I look at the ash tray, in the span of 20 minutes he's smoked five, I've had two. Either he was nervous or a serious chain smoker.

And all this happened while I waited for mom to pick up more furniture for Joey, in the Ikea smoking room.

The interview - Production House A

2006-01-18T02:43:00.000-08:00

Production House A, called me after a week I sent in my CV. Despite leaving early with the map book in tow I manage to get lost, KL is really complicated especially when you need to go to PJ. Production house A was really a house! A bungalow located in a nice housing area, one thing about here is that all the houses have so much character compared to some housing arrears in Malaysia-where every terrace house looks the same, but this reminded me of the suburbs in Australia. Anyway, I walk in the house and was greeted by this curly haired girl, whom I later found out was the intern. Cute girl quirky and smart at the same time, she asked me if I was there to audition for a commercial. Ey? I wasn’t exactly wearing something too teenagerish and I was formally dressed, how weird. Finally the boss came, he had a cool office, a little dark but simple and nice.

What was really weird about the boss is that instead of going into the formal interview, he looked at my CV and proceeded to ask me some personal questions.

Big Boss: So what race are you?

Josh: Malaysian

Big Boss starts laughing like I told the joke of the year.

Josh: Actually, my mom’s Australian and my dad is Indian.

Big Boss: Really? Ohhhhhh ok ok , you walk in here I tot you were foreign…cannot see the Indian at all one lar…

A this point I knew that Big Boss was quite stupid, he never really answered most of my questions and asked me about the productions I’ve done and how experienced I am. He then noticed that I had also done commerce….

Big Boss: Walau…your very qualified…even more than me…(and proceeds to laugh like a moron once again)

Me: Oh I doubt I’m as experienced as you…I’ve heard your really great at your work (lie lie lie) and I would love to start at a reputable production house like this.

Big Boss: Okay, to be honest, we don’t really have any openings for a producer right now, we called you in because we need some interns, but I think you’re over qualified but perhaps you would like to audition for some things now that you’re here?

I was hugely disappointed that he had wasted my time, and why the hell would I wanna audition? And why call me in for an intern job?

Me: I see, well I’m not really much of an actor, but thanks for taking the time…

Big Boss: Are you sure? Can make allot of money one…

I notice big boss has more of an accent as time goes by…I’m not interested in acting or doing commercials, well at least not being in front of the camera. I politely decline and exit the house. Thank Curly haired intern and leave. I get in my Waja and start driving, I have no idea where i’m going as usual…but I’m sure I’m going to end up on the federal highway soon…

I’m quite disappointed at the day, because as time goes by I feel more and more like a bum…living off my parents.

So here I am

2006-01-17T10:05:00.000-08:00

As I enter the next phase of my life, I begin to wonder? Have I regretted anything I’ve done in the past? Not really, at least that’s how I would like to think.

I can’t really explain why I’m starting this blog. What I do know is that after reading so many of them I’ve come to see what a great way it is to document my life. How cool is it to look back after a few months and refer to my thoughts. Some blogs I’ve read have given everything about the author’s identity and most personal thoughts. I don’t think I could do that. My identity is something I treasure, and I’m guessing what I’m going to be writing here is going to be disturbing to most Malaysians. And from past experience it always comes back to bite me in the ass...Well I don’t really know… I haven’t exactly lived here for the last 5 years of my life. I left this country a straight lanky skinny teenager and I’ve returned a gay adult.

After i graduated, i left, i packed up...sold, shipped and gave away. Mark was awesome but, i was never really ready to settle down. The one year we were together was the longest and most taxing relationship i had ever had. My parents wanted me back...and after graduation they spared no time in getting me home. As i left my apartment I knew things would never be the same.

The next phase of my life: a career. Until I was 15 I had no idea what I wanted to do in life. I knew I loved reading, but I couldn’t really write. I loved watching movies but I had no idea what made a good movie. When I was 16 my dad sat me down and asked me what I wanted in life. I told him I had no idea. I and my dad have an honest relationship; the only thing I’ve ever lied to him about is my sexuality. The time is just not right, but that is another story. Back to dad…he told me money is not something that I my mother or my brother would ever have to worry about. But that did not meant we did not contribute to society. By that I knew he meant we were to have decent careers. I always knew I would have my own life; it sickened me that my mother never worked a day in her life. She was no house wife, her days were spent traveling, socializing, and dipped in whatever popular hobby that interested her. We have a good relationship, but not the best. My dad however is the most hardworking man I know. All this in view I knew I wanted a life that made me my own person, not another son who ends up in daddy’s company.

I left for Australia when I was 18, I lived with an aunt for the first 6 months, I hated every minute of it, and after the six months I moved out and lived alone for the rest of the stay, one thing that has thought me independence, some of the best experiences of my life. I would say at this moment of my life I lived the most when I was in Perth.

But now I’m back, my brother and I share an apartment in KL my parents used to rent out. My brother doesn’t understand how to be independent. He still lives off two platinum credit cards he was given, he was also given a car when he got his drivers license and half the apartment when I got back and decided to move out but Joey wasn’t given another proton…the brat got some Japanese sport thing.

My parents knew I wanted to live alone. I told them I would start paying the bills when I get a job. In Perth I worked, it was easy getting a job because my mom was from there and she had lived there for 28 years she had a host of friends who were willing to let me work. I had my grandparents and relatives to look out for me and for emergencies and I rarely ever used my credit cards; I even paid the rent whenever I could and bought my own car. I doubt my brother would ever be able to live alone. Now my dad’s assistant picks up his laundry every weekend and the driver used to drop the maid off every weekend to clean. I hated it, I told him to move back with our parents if he wants the maid here cleaning every weekend. I know he wont, my mom suffocates him and him being the youngest gets everything he wants, all at a price, his privacy. Until I got back Joey had never driven to college, he was driven and picked up, and my mom thinks everyone wants to kidnap her baby boy. I love Joey, but we were never really that close untill the past few months, Joey loves the girls, the alcohol, the partying and my parent’s money. The most Joey has ever worked is when he did adverts for local television. I’m pretty sure the money was used for something trivial. Joey I hear from some of my friends is kind of popular in the local clubbing circuit, I know I used to club in Bangsar when I was under aged five years ago. But my friends tell me a lot has changed. We’ll see.

The first night we moved in to the apartment, which was two months after I got back from Perth I told Joey I was Gay. Joey has to know I’m gay because I cannot live in the closet in an apartment with my own brother, and I know I have to have sex sooner of later. He asked me if I thought this was funny. I asked him if he thought I was kidding. Joey knows I never joke with him; I’ve always been the big brother figure. Joey asked me if I was Bisexual and I didn’t know how to answer. I know I still attract women but for the last 1 year I had never been with one. My relationship with Mark ended the day I told him I was coming back here. I told Joey I didn’t know and I told him everything. He told me that I would eventually be straight. Joey is too naïve to understand much, given time I’m sure he will learn. Until then I hope he uses protection with the sluts that come home with him on the weekends after his partying. I’ve been living here for 2 months and Joey has fucked and fucked and fucked some really cute girls. I usually see them come and go, I’ve been a home body for some time catching up with friends, reading up and furnishing the apartment. Joey only did his room, he and mom raided Ikea so Joey could have an instant room, very nice. However the guest room, mine, living room, the kitchen and the baths and toilets were done by me. I had most of my room stuff sent back from Perth and I went around town looking for furniture, Ikea is nice but I wanted the apartment to be personal and I know Joey wont stick around, he just enjoys the privacy and likes being able to bring girls back to the place…I know he doesn’t tell me but he still goes home to papa’s house to sleep in his old bed.

Next stop, my career. From next week I’ll be looking for a job…Dad already offered me one but I want to work in production, the commerce part of my education was just to please him. Media was and is my passion. It’s weird that I hardly know anyone here…most of my high school friends have gone back to whatever country they were from all because my parents sent me to an international school and my life was still in Perth. But I like it here, I like the mamak down the road from the apartment, and I like staring at KLCC from the balcony, I’m getting bored, I should have looked out for a job sooner but with the move and the catching up, there was not much room.

Tomorrow however I have a job interview. So off I go, need to practice for the job interview, a step that's taking me to the next phase.